The timetable

Shortly before I turned 25, I imposed a timetable. By 30 I would have a well developed relationship, if not a marriage, with children imminent. Shortly before I turned 25, I met the previously refered to ex. I'll call him the Little Dutch Boy.

It was made clear to me that he was never really physically attracted to me. Sure he liked me, and he had a timetable of his own so we stuck with it. A physical attraction certainly developed, but I never really believed it. This knowledge tainted the relationship. I never felt that anything I did was good enough and it was definitely communicated to me when it wasn't. I rested the steaks for too long and they were cold, he didn't like the way I cooked beans, I didn't earn enough money and I didn't dust behind the television. Suffice to say he had some issues.

We both drank too much, I put on a lot of weight and cried a lot. I started fights practically begging him to show me something. Prove to me that you wanted to be here. The end of the relationship coincided with the end of my last year at Uni. After 3 years I couldn't do it anymore and in the middle of the same fight we always had and over the phone on my lunch break at work I ended it. I moved out and spent 2 weeks on my sister's lounge drinking and crying.

In the 3 years since, apart from one brief but intense fling, I have been single. I got on with things. I lost some weight, I started earning decent money and I slept around a little. While that makes it sound like an easy time, it wasn't and I probably wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I started to feel 'right.'

Early this year the Dutch Boy came back into my life. He sought me out after his rebound relationship ended with accusations of infidelity and a miscarriage. He told me how great I looked, how proud of me he was, how much he desired me and how deeply he regretted that our relationship ended. He fought for me. He was giving me everything that I begged for during our 3 years together. I softened, but after a number of heavy duty panic attacks, came to the realisation that I couldn't do it. I love him dearly and always will, but I just couldn't do it.

So ends a potted version of the most significant relationship in my life thus far. More examination of love and Kalgoorlie next post...